it was raining

As i was looking outside..

It was raining heavily with all those thunderstorm

Somehow, it feels soo cold and somehow peaceful too

Its been long since i get to reflect and do whatever i wanted to do

Ever since i entered clinical years

I have no time for mushy mushy stuff

So, sitting down by the window..

Looking at the raindrops

Suddenly my heart become melodramatic

I just dont know why

It just happen

Knowing that my journey as a medical student

Almost coming to an end

Leaving all those memories, excellent teachers,

Leaving my good friends

And going to our separate ways

It feels surreal :'(

I just feel like crying my heart out loud

Well yes. Setiap pertemuan pasti ada perpisahan

And going thru this phase, my heart seems reluctant to accept the fact.

Oh Allah, i just dont understand why must it feels like this :( i love this moment soo much

Because i feel like i am being me

The jiwang, melodramatic me

Which have not been there for quite some times

I remembered during my study week period

Sometimes things popping up in my mind

And the only thing i can do at that time

Was to shut down that part of my memory

And go on studying

How sad was that. But finally, it was over!

Bloggieee. Ever since i finished my exam, i feel soo empty inside. Why eh? 

I just feel confused. What am i going to do now

How will i survive..

Will i be able to meet up with my friends later

Oh Allah, i will definitely miss her

Especially azura, she's been there with me

Being crazy with me

I will definitely miss her so much

She understand me soo well and i understand her too. She's the best buddy i had in my uni life.

Bloggieee. People ask me, do i like someone?

Do i have anyone..

Entahlah bloggiee. For both questions

The answer is no! 

It feels like there's no room for love anymore

For me love = pain

And to go thru the pain again? Its a big no

Sometimes, i wonder why most of my specialist din get married. Were they busy or were they had broken hearted before?

Then during our course this week for internship

I just realize that, the profession that i choose

As a doctor, i need to sacrifice not only my time, but also my family and even love life.

Its like u're being married to ur work

And i believe that my specialist have that issue too!

I guess they r too career oriented and forget to have their own time, their own love life

Perhaps, at this age, as a 24 years old girl :pp nope. 24 years old lady..things like this will always popped up and i need to get ready for all the questions.

But, i hope i am able to complete my housemanship then, i will insyaAllah, with Allah's will get married to someone

And live happily ever after. Haha! :pp

Anyway, as i was writing this entry

Suddenly the rain stopped 

But the coldness can still be felt

I miss this smell

The smell of the rain :)

Till then bloggie. Have a good day people ^^

crazy side of me

Bloggieeee.

I know i am that weird

How la bloggie? Who actually make me feel like this..

Hailohhhh.. Bloggie!

Nak keluar dari kepompong ni sume

Xlarat nk fikir sudehhh..

The only thing that i can do was..

Staring. Hoping. Praying.

I know how IMPOSSIBLE it is.

But still. I still want it :(

Is it weird? Yeahh. I know its weird
And trulyyyy. It's more impossible :(
I kept on saying its not possible
But my mind keep on denying that fact
And still hope for a miracle to happen
That is me
Part of me being crazy by myself.

#whenistartbabbleitisnonstop
#3entryinaday

going through old days

Assalamualaikum wbt bloggieee..

Cik blog, smlm kita saje la kan go through someone's blog. Dia start blogging since med student and now dah jadi specialist pon. What makes me feel like talking & talking was, despite knowing that cik bloggie was only 'wujud' for me.. Bcoz, i've stopped blogging consistently and subsequently people also forget about ur presence. I feel like whenever i came back here, the memories of all the joy & pain seoalah2 mcm flashback into my mind. The feeling was undescribable.

Cik bloggie. Masa baca the blog, i noticed that dia mcm recap ape yg berlaku 10 years back and dia predict what will happen in another 10 years. Sadly, almost everything dia dh achieved except getting married with 4-5 children. I was like, dr can i show ur older post now.. Congratulations! U have achieved the best achievement in life. I envy u..

So. 20 years back in 1995: i was 4 years old? Haha. The only memory that i have for that was i was sent to kindergarten since 3 y/o. My mum sent me to an english kindergarten. I was soo fluent in english at that time to the extent that i will converse in english with people. I went to tadika islam only when i reach 5 y/o and that too was an achievement for myself for being the 'tokoh murid perempuan' for my tadika islam.

10 years back which was in 2005: where was i at that time? I guess i'm taking my pmr that year. After going to an arabic school before in perak, when i moved to melaka, i choose to be in non-arabic school. Definitely not staying in a hostel like before and my mum's school was just right next door. This year i managed to get straight As for my pmr and that was one of the best thing that happen in my life. Since 12 y/o i keep on asking dad to buy me the winter sonata cd to add into my collection. Sadly, at that time our family was still struggling and that cd was not in the priority list. But then, after i managed to get that kind of result my dad bought me the cd. It was one of the most happiest moment in my life. 

7 years back was in 2008. I was in matriculation in londang. I would say the best best best studying environment with all those best buddy, and i am focusing on my study. With all the hardwork i managed to get 4 flat for every semester and i remembered that i have been called by our lecturer after getting the best result for my math's paper. I can still remember how proud i was and my friend was when a muslim get 100% score for the paper. I guess the maths side in my brain was more active rather than biology :pp knowing people like abez, wan, pa'a and having them as my rumet was the best experience ever! At that particular time i was in a stupidiest state of my mind too! This which i regret the most in my life. Haihhh. So now, i'm planning to brainwash people who r still young not to get involve in r/ship especially when u're just like 18 y/o. Naive sgt! Haha! I guess if i can turn back time i will do it. But remember qada' & qadar. People come & go into ur life and each and everyone of them have their own function and role in our life. *yg budak2 kecik yg gatal nk bercouple2 tu meh sini kita babap montot awk. Nakal ngattt* but still 2008/2009 was the best study experience ever! Oh anyway i remain single till now bcoz of the after effect of past r/ship and i believe that to be dedicated and committed person i need to focus 1 thing at a time. And that was the best decision i made eventhough the process of going thru it was too painful to be remembered.

5 years back in 2010. I was in my first year and 2nd year. Yeahh! Not that good but not that creepy either. I travel to both taiwan and thailand i guess that year. Even i become the group moderator during the conference in KL. Many things happen that year but i am quite sure that it was enjoyable too. 

3 years back in 2012. I just started my clinical years and it was awesome as i started with o&g. Having to oncall and doing delieveries was perfect as an eye opener for us the in the clinical years. And and. I was active in college too. I mean active as in active gile2 sampai rasa cm gila pangkat lak :pppp i am the pengarah for jamuan raya. Timb pengarah for pesta konvo, s/u for sports day, bendahari for hope and not to mentioned ajk & exco for lotssssa stuff. I am also 1 of the college reporter that time. Hak3. How la that happen. 

Last year in 2013 i am 4th yr and in my final yr doing my research on syphilis. It was a great opportunity to learn and i enjoyed it very much. 

Now: 21/04/2015

I am here waiting for my result this friday. Cuaknyeeeer!!!

10 years ahead: 2025

Oh no! Dh capai x wawasan 2020. Katenye tema tu dibuat tahun 1991. That's when i was born. Hik3. Well, i hope the new dr.risq has succeeded in her life. Getting well for exams. Perhaps that time i am already a child psychiatrist. Married? Hopefully i am married that time with 2-3 kids. Just enough and sweet as it should be :)

Ok. Lets stop rambling and get ready for finishing schook programmed. Bye bloggie. Anyway, good morning bloggie :D

memories of clinical pro exam

Hai bloggieeee. Ahah!

Sejak habes exam ni, kdg2 mcm confuse sgt.

Because u have been stucked with all the books. 

And i did sleep with books for nearly a month

What a crazy experience. 

At that particular time, i was wondering will i be able to complete this journey?

And there's soooo many thoughts came thru my mind.

Well. I guess this blog will be with me

Hopefully i will update it every year at least one post. Haha! :pp

So here we goes. Back to the main topic

Alhamdulillah and praise to Allah!

Bloggie. I got o&g case for my long case

I am truly blessed.

Know what, the only thing that still fresh to me was o&g bcoz that was my last posting.

And i asked all my family members and even friends to pray so that i will get an o&g case.

During the first week of exam, i'm having my bff

It was troublesome especially when u experience all the symptoms like tiredness

Plus with lack of focus. I guess i'm having ADHD since childhood bcoz i can't bear staying put for such a long time. Haha :pp please give me the muscle relaxation therapy of the baby elephant! *creepy exam question for psy OSCE*

So, i asked Allah so that my turn for clinical exam will be after i'm finished with my menses. And taraaa. Alhamdulillah. Allah has granted my wish. So i have few days to pray and do some religious thingy before my clinical exam. When u're not allowed to pray during menses, i always feel empty as the connection was not that close as when we're praying. So, aftr continuous effort of praying and asking Allah to help me with my exam. Finally, the day has come.

I remembered the day before it was too stressful to the extent that u can't do anything except asking Allah to help ease ur feeling. That night, i was having all those panic attack symptoms. It was 12 am and i am still having tachycardia with pulse rate of 120 bpm. There's regular rhythm and good volume so no AF. 

So, i pat myself, trying to calm me down and stop the adrenaline rush. But the effort was useless. I comfort myself that this is not a matter of what i've learnt in the past weeks during study week. But all my efforts during this 6 years period. So i said to myself. U must sleep risq! If not u'll be in trouble. It took me more than 45 minutes to fall asleep. I just cant remember what exactly happen  but the moment i woke up its already 4 in the morning. 

Too bad. I cant sleep anymore after that.

So i went on taking bath and pray before starting my revision. *mind u during my study week period, i keep on taking bath everytime i stressed out and that was about more than 5 times a day. Haha! I am that crazy people*

So. At 8am, i realized that the palpitation and pain was unbearable. So i decided to go early to the exam hall. My turn should be at 11am and i was too early until my professor prof shahrir n dr nurman ask me, risq, knp dtg awal sgt, nanti lagi nervous! But i said, i cant bear the palpitation anymore. Haha. So i sat there revising and trying to calm myself down. 

When it was my turn, i was praying secretly that prof would pick an o&g case for me (station b was o&g case at that time)

So, when prof take out the B4 nametag, i was sooo happy and i feel like jumping up and down. Thankyou Allah! I just cant thanked u more. U have given sooo much!

So i had a 33 y/o primary school teacher G3P2, with 2 previous scar for suspected macrosomic baby, currently at 33 weeks POG and underlying chronic hpt and gdm on d/c and history of anaemia in pregnancy. The station was good and i get 2 benign lecturers prof lim peishan and dr laili :) it was daebak! 

Now its just tuesday, but dr ng bk mentioned to us that, all o&g longcase candidate pass the exam. And i was expressing my gratitude to everyone that has been praying for me :)

Shortcase was not that bad and not too good either. I manage to have a peek on my psy station marks and it was 17.5 out of 20. Isn't it great? I guess that schizo pt was a blessed and indeed perhaps its a sign that i'll be a psychiatrist later on life :) ortho was neck and UL examination. But my medical& o&g station was quite bad eventhough dr said he passed me. But overall what i can conclude was the clinical exam was tough and lucky me that i got benign lecturer and hopefully can help me pass my exam.

So thats it. My journey for professional exam. 

Now im in the middle of housemanship training camp. Hopefully by this friday i am a dr. Amin ha rabbal alamin. 

farewell dinner mdukm2015

Assalamualaikum wbt bloggieeee

Hai hai hai

Berjumpa lagi kita.. Selepas tamat exam

Bloggieeee. Tau x, result periksa kita keluar jumaat ni

Should we feel cuak2?

I dunno. I think i did my best eventhough its not perfect. But we never knew Allah's plan. Huk3

Anyway bloggieeee..

Tau ngak. I felt so many adrenaline rush tonite

But one of it was this final year dinner

Haha! Excitedddd ngatttt..

Cemano nih. Anyway. Bnyk gambar amek kat kamera mila and zura

Tapi xsmpt transfer. Phone problematic plak. Isk3. Dapat transfer 4 kpg je..

Tap, best dpt tgkp gambar ngan lecturer bnykkkkk.. Best3!!!

Ni one of my feveret pic and keep my adrenaline rush too. Sejak dr bagi tips utk final exam, serious rasa mcm nak time kaseh bnyk2 gile2 kat dia. Haha. Tqqqq so much dr! May Allah bless u always :)

Ok. Hopefully by this friday dapatla saya ubah title. Bkn jd puan. Tapi dr risq #muahciked

clinical exam: 16th april 2015

ok. sooo. harini senarai utk clinical exam dah keluar

and. and. doa mak ayah makbul la kot kan

Allah tahu ape yg terbaik utk aku

khamis.

tapi housemate: azura ngan yun dapat hari isnin

shida lak hari jumaat

cuaknyeeeeee...

tapi saya positif, dan akan usaha sungguh2 :) insyaAllah ^^

tadi prof shahrir cakap yang hari khamis, jumaat and sabtu kne hati2

sebab mungkin lecturer garang2 la kot. huhuhu

harapnya semua urusan dipermudahkan

aku yakin lecturer pon taknak failkan student

harapnya, i will be doing good that day

insyaAllah, and graduate as a safe doctor ^^

moment of truth

Assalamualaikum WBT bloggieeee

its my day 3 of professional exam

segala perasaan ade. cuak, and the funniest thing was

i thought i am cool, relax, not too stressed up

but, my body experienced its hardest time ever

the morning of  my first exam, i have my OSCE.

know what, i couldn't sleep much that night, but the worst part was

i woke up at 4 am in the morning

having severe stomachache.. bloated stomach

nauseated... gile gile punye nauseated

and so it happens..

lebih dari 5 kali ulang aling toilet, but nothing happen

this exam was the worst experience ever

during study week lagi badan dah experience stress level yg sgt tinggi

kena infected eczema, pastu hemorrhoid.. macam2 la

the morning before exam tu ingatkan dah tak mampu nk pegi exam dah

i have this thought..

Ya Allah, ape yang aku dah buat ya Allah sehingga diduga sebegini

aku ade buat salah ke. kenapa pagi nak exam jadi macam ni

dahla exam paling penting

i remember i was crying badly and was in severe pain

almost macam org nak beranak.hahaha =_="

but then, lepas letak minyak angin, paksa diri tido, paksa diri relaks

pagi tu bangun lewat, pukul 6 baru bangun

pastu pagi tu rasa fresh, takde sakit

terus ucap syukur pada Allah sebab bagi kemudahan

sebabnye, OSCE ade 2 group, and i was in the first group, maksudnya group paling awal

haih laaaa.. alhamdulillah

and so far everything was well up till now..

i hope the next 2 papers will be good too! harapnya lahhh kan. aminnn

tolong doakan ya <3 p="">

i hope the next time i wrote in this blog, i am no longer just risq

but Dr. Risq Atiqah Munirah binti Mohamed Mustafa

amin ya rabbal a'lamin :)

few more days to go..

brace yourself baby ^^

The week of craziness

hai bloggieee

MY MOM SAID I"M CRAZY!

how could u mummy. hahahahaha

well. now, its 7 days to professional exam

its like a dream..

after sooo long, the time has come

baaaaaa...

jom la cuak beramai2.

tak tau mampu ke tak :((

insyaAllah, marilah berdoa.

please. please. please.

doakan yeee <3 p="">